Gotta Catch 'Em All

It's hard to picture the stars of the NFL away from the sidelines and offices of the nation's largest stadiums. But given a lockout, these figures can find work in different type of stadium. by Jason Krakower

With a lockout of the 2011 NFL season seemingly averted, players can get back to work. But many fans wondered what these players would do if they were forced out of the NFL for a year, and a few came up with entertaining options. Chad Ochocinco/Johnson tried out for Sporting Kansas City, formerly the KC Wizards, of the MLS. Brandon Marshall said he would play for the Denver Nuggets (though he seems to have bigger concerns now). So where do you put someone built for the NFL when there is no season? The answer has been right under our noses for years: Pokémon .

Here are a few NFL personalities who would fit right in as Pokémon characters.

Pikachu – Tim Tebow

Pikachu is the mascot of Pokémon , just as Tebow is slowly becoming the face of the NFL (whether fans want him to or not). He’s not really that dangerous he evolves, especially when his team is playing meaningless games.

Description: When this Pokémon loses a game to Ole Miss, he can use his electric tail to put a charge into his team for the rest of the season. 

Snorlax – Albert Haynesworth

Weighing in at 1,014 pounds, Snorlax has the power to body slam opponents. However, he is frequently asleep, confused, or getting arrested for alleged sexual abuse. He does not have the ability to pass a conditioning test.

Description: Very lazy. Just eats and sleeps. As its rotund bulk builds, it becomes steadily more slothful. (Literally, that’s word-for-word what the card says).

Rattata – Danny Woodhead

Although this mousy Pokémon  measures in at 1’0” and only 8 pounds, there is more to him than meets the eye. His only move is to bite but apparently he does it well, since defenses couldn’t quite figure out how to stop him. Go Chadron State.

Description: Small and very quick, it is especially dangerous when it attacks teams that didn’t want him before the season started.

Doduo – Jamaal Charles/Thomas Jones

Doduo is a bird with two heads that are attached to its body, and both work together to fight off opponents. It doesn’t do any flying, but its effectiveness on the ground has a tendency to make any team relevant again.

Description: A bird that makes up for its poor flying with fast foot speed, surprising fantasy owners and pissing off Jets fans everywhere.

Tangela – Troy Polomalu

With Medusa-like hair that makes only its eyes and feet visible, Tangela is always on the defensive and has the power to bind and paralyze opponents. He doesn’t speak, but if he did he would probably gently advertise for Head and Shoulders.

Description: His whole body is swathed with wide vines that are similar to seaweed. These vines shake as he walks. Do not mess with him.

Kangaskhan – Rex Ryan

Kangaskhan has an angry stare and a wide belly with a pouch, which he uses to store Mark Sanchez. Has the ability to ‘Comet Punch’ opponents, but only uses this with his mouth and never for anything that actually counts on the field.

Description: The infant rarely ventures out of Kangaskhan’s protective pouch until he is three years old.

Rhyhorn – Peyton Hillis

Tipping the scales at a powerful 254 pounds, this “white rhino” uses his dangerous horn attack to destroy defenses and score touchdowns. He’s also capable of upsetting more famous characters to win the Madden cover.

Description: His massive bones are 1,000 times harder than human bones. He can easily knock a trailer flying. No exaggeration.

Machoke – Donovan McNabb 

Machoke is strong, powerful and full of potential, but has a tendency to, well, choke. His biggest move is called “submission” and, even with relocation, still couldn’t win the big one.

Description: His muscular body occasionally breaks down, and he doesn’t get along well with prima donna receivers. His best skill is picking the right college.

Kadabra – Terrell Owens

The unpredictable creature will go wherever someone will have him, only to unleash his Sheen-like wildness on his prey. All strengths and weakness are mental, and he convinces himself that he is greatest of all time.

Description: He emits special alpha waves from his body that induce headaches even to those just nearby.

Magikarp – Eli Manning 

There’s not much to say about this little guy, except to say we begrudgingly respect him (David Tyree) a little for his ring. His main attack move is to flail, and I think that says enough.

Description: Ancestors were much stronger than its horribly weak descendants. Get over it Magikarp, Archie and Peyton were much better than you’ll ever be.

Onix – Patriots Offensive Line

The linked stone creature is the ultimate source of protection, as its greatest attack/protective move is to become even more rocklike. It becomes more resistant as its units become more experienced, as if they had been playing together for years.

Description: As it grows, its mind becomes fixated on never allowing a quarterback with a mullet to be touched.

Dewgong – Andy Reid

He’s a walrus. Sorry, man.

Description: Stores thermal energy in his body. Comes ever so close to winning the big one.

Kabuto – Al Davis 

All he can do is scratch, he’s a skeletal 25 pounds, and is centuries old. He also has protective armor that keeps him alive despite his tendency to be asleep, confused, or paralyzed.

Description: A Pokémon that was resurrected from a fossil in what was once the floor eons ago. Could actually be an animatronic robot sent back to destroy civilization.

Meowth – Daniel Snyder 

Crawled and scratched his way to the top using his only attack move of “Pay Day,” and now sits on a mound of coins. He is in love with round things, which explains his relationship with Snorlax.

Description: Adores circular objects. Wanders the streets on a nightly basis to look for dropped loose change, and then sells that to an out-of-business airline for bags of expired peanuts.

Honorable Mention: Jigglypuff – Jim Nantz

Lulls people to sleep with its soothing melody.