Wild Thing

Behind every sports comedy is one goofball so ridiculous that even Clinton Portis' best characters can't compete against him. EP rates the funniest of the funny. by Jason Krakower

Many of you know about the long line of famous and important alumni that have strolled across the Syracuse University campus. People who have made average contributions to the world such as Joe Biden, Aaron Sorkin, and Bob Costas often come to mind, but one man with orange in his blood obviously tops them all: the crazy pitcher from Angels in the Outfield. His name is Neal McDonough, and I found out recently that he served as the captain of the SU club baseball team in the 80s (something I’ll do next season). In light of this realization, I’d like to take this opportunity to celebrate McDonough’s deliberate deliverer and the greatest ridiculous sports movie characters of all time.

10) Whitt Bass 

Bass isn’t just here because McDonough wore the same uniform 25 years ago as I do now. The dude is as quirky as Turk Wendell and Mark Fydrich on the mound (if you have no idea who I’m talking about, don’t worry), and is known for his trademark slide into the mound. He’s also known to “lick dirt, eat bugs, and floss his catcher’s teeth in the dugout.” Despite setting…setting…and setting again, he was 2-11 before a young Joseph Gordon-Levitt helped his team win the pennant. He also thinks the first line of the National Anthem is “Jose, can you see?”

Best Moment: His (possibly concussed) reaction and collapse during Danny Glover’s post-loss tirade. He helped everyone know that it’s very common to be both a pitcher and a jackass.

9) Bobby Boucher 

The Waterboy was one of Sandler’s two football “comedies,” and nobody can deny the absolute ridiculousness of the 31-year-old momma’s boy with questionable mental health. His obsession with high quality H₂0 led to the primal rage that became his “tackling fuel” and helped the SCLSU (South Central Louisiana State University) Mud Dogs win the Bourbon Bowl. Captain Insano ain’t got nothin’ on Boucher.

Best Moment: Bobby bulldozing his Colonel Sanders-type professor wins in this movie, but it’ll go down to another Sandler hit later on.

8) Danny Bateman 

If you want the ball, Danny Bateman will get you the ball. A linebacker with one fewer kidney than Boucher, he also has a tendency to jump the line of scrimmage and tackle his own teammates (when he sees that red, he just goes after it like a bull). He once punched his kicker in the head to celebrate a 40-yard field goal.

Best Moment: It’s tough to choose between all the hits, but it has to be the flying tackle of a few cheerleaders before the first game. His little dance as he walks off is simply awesome.

7) Happy Gilmore 

Happy will tell you he’s a hockey player, but really he’s a psychopath with a 400-yard golf drive. His hockey records include most penalty minutes in a season and trying to stab someone with his skate (he was the only one to ever do that). He’ll take pitch after pitch in the chest, scream at a ball for not going in “its home,” and kill an alligator. Plus, he’s so charming that the Ovechkin of construction bosses forgave him after Happy shot him in the head with a nail gun.

Best Moment: Is it even a question? Brawling with Bob Barker.

6) Billy Bob 

It doesn’t really matter if you don’t like Varsity Blues, Billy Bob still owns every scene. The 400-pound lineman is always up for a bender before a big game, he has a pig named Bacon, and he scored the winning touchdown on a hook-and-ladder to win the championship. AND HE HAS A PIG NAMED BACON!

Best Moment: Aside from the pig named Bacon (BACON!), it has to be asking his sex education teacher to the prom after seeing her perform at a strip club. I give it a 10.

5) White Goodman 

I thought Ben Stiller was at his craziest and funniest in Heavyweights, but Dodgeball went above and beyond by giving Tony Perkis ridiculous purple clothes and a handlebar ‘stache. Besides the name, Goodman has been known to read the dictionary, electrocute himself, and stuff pizza down his pants during personal meditation time. But nobody makes him bleed his own blood. Nobody.

Best Moment: The last scene of the movie (language warning). 

4) Walter Sobchak 

Many of you will say that The Big Lebowski is not a sports movie. I agree. There is a decent amount of bowling, however, and Sobchak needs to be recognized/worshiped. Among other things, he smashed up a nice car to teach a kid a lesson, accidentally hit himself and The Dude with a friend’s (who was consistently out of his element) ashes, and he DOESN’T ROLL ON SHABBOS!

Best Moment: Pulling out a gun and threatening to kill pacifist Smokey for stepping over the line. OVER THE LINE!

3) Carl Spackler 

 I think Bill Murray might be the only person who could play a greenskeeper and have people call him a genius for it. Combine Carl Spackler’s goofy voice, his story about caddying for the Dalai Lama, and his endless, obsessive hunt for a mischievous gopher, and it’s all comedy gold. Plus, on his deathbed, he will receive total consciousness. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.

Best Moment: “Incredible Cinderella story…”

2) Pedro Cerrano 

The Cuban immigrant came to the United States looking for religious freedom (Voodoo isn’t too big in CastroLand), and found it with the Cleveland Indians in Major League. He’s a fan of Roger Dorn’s “hats for bats,” is in favor of sacrificing live chicken in the locker room (they got him KFC), and worships a statue named Jobu with cigarettes and rum. “Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. Is very bad.” And he’s got marbles.

Best Moment: Inspiring the greatest sports movie line in history. “Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”

1) The Hanson Brothers 

The Hansons are the best part about the second-best hockey movie ever made and as far as I’m concerned, any NHL enforcer has to live in their shadow. When they’re not nearly murdering opponents on the ice, the Hansons play with car sets, drink root beer, and sport those thick glasses like they should be in style. Just don’t expect them to sit quietly during a Paul Newman speech.

Best Moment: The ref’s warning against fighting while the National Anthem is playing before a game (language warning again).