A Break from Realignment: Ranking the Big 12 Nicknames

Tyler Kenly has some fun with the teams in the Big 12.

(AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall, File)

A source with direct knowledge of the situation has informed us at Extra Point that conferences are planning on realigning, forever changing the way we view college sports. We know, it sounds far-fetched and totally unnecessary, but this rumor is really picking up steam and even getting some attention on the national scale.

Anyway, to get your mind off of the shenanigans that are conference realignment, we’ve decided to rank the teams in the Big 12 Conference in a completely and idiotically arbitrary way. That’s right, we’re bringing in the team nicknames. We’re ranking them by level of intimidation from “aww, how cute” to “shorts. I need a new pair of shorts”.

10. Texas A&M Aggies – An ‘Aggie’ is a student of a land-grant university. Examples of land-grant universities (besides A&M) would be Cornell and MIT. Besides routinely being destroyed in Star Trek trivia contests, what threat does an ‘Aggie’ really pose to opposing teams?
9. Kansas Jayhawks – Wikipedia defines a ‘Jayhawk’ as a “mythical cross between two birds—the noisy blue jay and the quiet sparrow hawk.”Really? A mythical bird? Not even a cool mythical bird, just two birds that make contradicting noises. Couldn’t we have settled on a mild tempered robin who voices its opinion from time to time?
8. Oklahoma Sooners – Sooners were settlers who moved to Oklahoma during the Land Rush. This was when all the people crashed the Native Americans' land and told the Indians to get lost. Not necessarily intimidating really, just kind of dickheads.
7. Kansas State Wildcats – A wildcat is exactly what it sounds like: a domesticated cat that got out of the house. Worst case scenario: it hasn’t gotten its claws trimmed in a while and scratches up your arms as you try to catch it. Best case scenario: it’s adorable, you take it home and name it ‘Sprinkles’.
6. Texas Longhorns – Their logo is easy enough to describe the nickname: they’re cattle. Massive beings, but often well behaved under control of their owners. Based on their size, there was potential for some serious damage to be caused by longhorns, but they were usually too busy grazing and moving heavy stuff around to scare anybody.
5. Texas Tech Red Raiders – The Texas Tech mascot is the “Masked Rider”, who dresses up in a Zorro-like outfit. Verdict: popular children’s Halloween costume ≠ intimidating mascot.
4. Oklahoma State Cowboys – The off-center hat and the fantastic moustache on this gun and ammo toting badass just screams ‘Don’t mess with me’.
3. Missouri Tigers – After what this tiger did to Roy in Las Vegas and what this Tiger did to Elin, there’s one thing we can all agree on: tigers CAN’T be trusted. Don’t even get me started on this disgrace of a being.
2. Baylor Bears – I mean for Christ’s sake, THEY CAN SMELL MENSTRATION.
1. Iowa State Cyclones – Just think about all the destruction and devastation that has followed the tornados and hurricanes of the last few years. You might be able to beat up an Aggie, you might be able to outrun a cowboy, you might even be able to outwit a bear. But everybody knows, unless you’re Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton, you’re not outrunning a tornado. That’s a fact.

There you have it. Congratulations to Iowa State for having the very debatable title of ‘Most Intimidating Nickname of the Big 12’.